 |
| Photo by ALMA on Unsplash |
As we continue our journey through HALT, today we take a closer look at Loneliness.
Loneliness is by far my most painful trigger, I believe that the overwhelming majority of people in recovery also struggle with it. I have spoken to men from many different countries and what unites us; is our pain when we feel lonely.
Loneliness isn't just about being alone, but about not feeling seen, known or needed. It is possible to be in a room with 100 people and still feel deeply alone.
Chip Dodd shares about the 8 core feelings and how they are supposed to lead us to a gift, but when we cannot process that feeling, the pendulum swings the other way and it becomes apathy (there is no point to anything, depression). Loneliness is not a flaw or a weakness, rather it is a signal, telling us that we need connection. When we are unable to follow through and find connection (maybe because we are wounded) then that signal transforms from something good, to something bad. We begin to associate loneliness with pain.
Loneliness lies to me. It whispers, "you will always be alone", "nobody sees you", "nobody cares about you." And sadly, many times, I listened to those lies. Our life experience can lead us to believe things, even when they are not true. Because in those moments when loneliness whispered to me in high school, I was lonely because I had started isolating myself from others. I had been through trauma, been bullied by some of the boys and rejected by the girls that I showed interest in. Life had taught me that the children in school were not my friends, not to be trusted and that I was not safe. Others might have thought that I was shy or thought too highly of myself to mingle with them. The truth was that I was trying to stay under the radar, trying to stay "safe." That behaviour carried over into my adult life. Avoiding people kept me safe.
The Black Brush
Loneliness is like a giant brush dipped in thick black paint. It doesn’t start by painting the whole picture—just a corner. A little swipe across the edges of your day. A shadow over breakfast. A blur in the middle of a conversation where you smiled but didn’t feel seen.
The more time you spend alone—not just physically, but emotionally—the more the brush moves. A stroke over your memories. A smear across your hopes. Soon, even joyful things seem muted, like someone turned the contrast down on your soul. It's not that the world has changed—it’s just harder to see the colors.
And the strange thing is, this brush lives in your own hand. Not because you want it to, but because part of you is trying to protect you. "Don’t hope too much," it says. "Don’t reach out—they might not want you." So you keep painting. Quietly. Carefully. Trying to stay safe.
But what loneliness doesn’t know is that the black paint is water-soluble. One honest connection, one moment of being truly seen or known, is like a drop of rain. It streaks the black, revealing hints of blue, of green, of light.
And if someone offers you their brush—or you share yours—something sacred happens: the painting changes. Slowly. Tenderly. Together, you start to repaint the world, not in perfection, but in truth and warmth.
I know all too well that we don't always listen to our emotions. There is a danger in ignoring our loneliness and you have probably experienced it already. When we ignore our loneliness long enough, the pain gets unbearable. At this point many turn to numbing behaviours, as we try to cope with the pain. Porn, fantasy, overeating and doomscrolling are just some of the coping mechanisms that men turn to in their painful moments.
What does God say about loneliness?
God didn't make us to be alone:
Genesis 2:18 ~ Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”
We don't have to be afraid:
Isaiah 41:10 ~ Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
God promises to comfort us:
Psalm 23:4 ~ Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
If we allow Him to, He will heal us
Psalm 147:3 ~ He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
We don't have to be alone
John 14:18 ~ “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.
The next time you feel lonely, close your eyes, put your hand on your heart. Take a few deep breaths, then ask yourself, "which part of me feels lonely or forgotten?" You might get the answer quickly, or it may take some time. Then ask yourself, "what does this lonely part need from me or from God?"
For too long we have ignored the pain, so it might take some time to get in touch with your emotions. Know that God wants to heal your wounds. For me, that means speaking life over myself, "I am never alone, God is with me always", "God sees me, every minute of every day", "God cares more for me deeply."
After connecting with God, putting on some worship music lifts me up. Songs like "Graves into gardens", "Stars" or "Way Maker" warm my heart and I'm reminded that God loves me and will always be near to me.
A few practical and compassionate steps for when you feel lonely:
- Put a hand on your heart and acknowledge the feeling.
- Picture Jesus sitting with you in the silence.
- Text someone with a simple “thinking of you.”
- Journal a conversation with your inner child or a part of you that feels isolated.
The pain of loneliness is real, but this doesn't have to be where your story ends.
“To the one reading this who feels forgotten: you are not invisible. You are deeply seen by God. Your loneliness is not shameful—it’s a sign that your heart still longs for connection. And that’s something holy.”